**sigh...

remember when life used to be simple... when christmas was a time to be excited and there seemed to be so much magic to be looking forward to... whether it be in making craft presents, or getting that break, or playing in the snow, or just to watch endless tv everyday for 2 weeks... how many times i have wished to return to those simple times....

for the passed few years, each christmas has had a different meaning to me... most of them involve studying for exams, and then being home with family. spending time with all the people who i see so little of during the rest of the year.

and its not just christmas, its a lot of other things... everything just seems so complicated. so many shades of grey that I can't really distinguish between them...

a long time ago, when i was a teenage (or it felt like a long time ago...) a good freind of mine gave me a book called chicken soup for the teenage soul. i went on to buy chicken soup for the teenage soul II, and III. he gave it to me because he thought they would help me through my teenage years, when i need something to turn to, because those years were supposed to be the hardest years of one's life, according to those books, anyway. and frankly, my teenage years weren't really that hard. and its probably because i really didnt have any huge decisions to make that would change my life forever.

anyway, i decided taht perhaps the teenage years are the hardest for some people becuase thats when they start to realize the decisions they make can, and will, impact the rest of their lives. see, i didnt learn that lesson until later... and perhaps i had naively thought that since i seemed to have skipped that difficult time in my life, i was somehow safe. that was a rather stupid thought... life just gets harder when decisions have to be made... and anyone who knows me, knows that i cant make decisions... hell, i have trouble deciding on what to get on the menu, how the heck am i supposed to make decisions that affect the rest of my life?? and yet, i seem to be faced with having to make so many lately....

sometimes, a lot of times, i wish that someone could just make them for me... it's too tiring to think so much...